What Really Happened?

Will we ever know the real story of what happened to cause Tiger to lose control of his SUV while backing out of the driveway? "Cough, cough..." Hmmm, I wonder? Rather than speculate about Tiger, let me relate a personal story.

I love my wife. She is the best thing in my life, the best part of me. One day, just before the holidays, she saw what she thought was an incriminating email romantically linking me to an VIP Hostess from the Venetian Hotel. The email, of course was completely false. The fact that the alleged transgression was documented in alarming detail fueled some lively discussion in the days before and after the holiday. Despite my reluctance to go into a detailed defense, she pressed me hard. Yes, the woman was reported in the same hotel at the same time as I. Yes, she had been reported to visit the VIP floor upon which I was staying. Yes, I knew who she was through numerous business events at the Venetian. No, I did not have an affair with that woman!

As the interrogation grew more intense, my reluctance to discuss it further became even greater. As I grew agitated and even angry as she continued to dig. Finally, I snapped. I can't recall everything I said. At some point I was talking in tongues. Unfortunate indeed was my final choice of words, as I grabbed my car keys in hopes of making an escape. "C _ _ _!" I shouted, carelessly turning my back and retreating towards the door. I never saw the vase that careened off the wall sending shards of glass into my face and lips. I turned in her direction and saw her reaching into my golf bag. She lifted out my 7-iron. What sweet irony that my most faithful club was now the instrument of my wife's revenge for my (alleged) infidelity.

I summoned all my athletic prowess to dash to my black SUV in the driveway. In one catlike move, I opened the door, started the engine and began backing down the driveway towards safety. Sadly, there was no time to buckle my safety belt. I glanced towards the house in time to see my 7-iron hurtled through the air in the direction of the SUV. Raw instinct took over and I accelerated to avoid the club. The SUV lurched backward and the rear end made jarring contact with the fire hydrant in our yard. I recall thinking how proud I was of saving money on my homeowners insurance because of the hydrant, but that's another story.

By this time, my wife had retrieved the 7-iron and was running at the SUV at an alarming speed. I jammed the truck into drive and pressed the gas. Her wild swing caught the rear window at almost the exact moment the front of the vehicle slammed into the only significant tree within 300 yards. The rear window shattered. My face struck the console dead on. Then everything went dark.

I believe she pulled me out of the truck through the back window by my lips. I can't prove that but it explains some fingernail-type impressions around my mouth. Soon, there were EMTs and police everywhere. I was taken to the hospital but released the same night/morning.

We are very private people and decided that it would be best to never explain what actually happened. It was certainly our good fortune that it is quite common for me to take a leisurely drive at 2:30 am. It is also lucky that Nevada is a community property state, like Florida for example, because, well I guess just because. The police have been very nice to us and have allowed us to simply provide my driver's license, car registration and proof of insurance. We have both agreed to never talk about this incident again.

YES...I HAD WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS AND COULDN'T STOP MYSELF FROM WRITING THIS! I promise to never do this again!